Below see TIPS, IDEAS, AND SUGGESTIONS ABOUT SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS
Establishing Sibling Relationships: Baby Number One
Anyone who grew up in a family with siblings recognizes the various types of sibling relationships in the household.
Typically, older siblings are given more attention and additional parental focus before other sibs come along. It is often said that firstborn children have more pictures, more holiday celebrations with extended families, more vacations, and more family outings.
New parents learn the pros and cons of parenthood through the firstborn. They also discover how to rearrange and adjust their lifestyles to include a child.
These adjustments generally include preparing the home for a newborn. Baby items, cribs, clothing, and diapers are stockpiled in preparation for having a baby in the house.
Additionally, schedules need to be established for the expected parents. Will parents be taking family leave when the baby is born? What are the childcare plans and expectations? Will the baby go to daycare? Who will care for the new baby?
Having your first child is a HUGE adjustment for new parents’ daily lives. Time schedules, work schedules, activity schedules, and household schedules immediately change when baby number one enters a home.
Learning From Sibling Relationships
Firstborn children train parents about sibling relationships! While firstborns were given their parent’s full attention until another baby came along, firstborns quickly become parents’ little helpers!
Toddlers and even older siblings usually love the role of a big sibling. However, some firstborn children may become overworked and overextended by the responsibility parents place on them.
And, as the family grows and more siblings come along, the firstborn is often required to take on more and more responsibility for their new siblings.
Often the firstborn will be viewed as the caretaking sibling, regardless of how many other siblings follow.
However, having continuous obligations and duties can create frustration and resentment toward younger siblings, especially from the firstborn.
What are the 5 Different Types of Sibling Relationships
The 5 Different Types of Sibling Relationships are normally determined by placement in the family unit.
As a mother of five grown children, now raising two grandchildren, each child’s sibling relationships are notable due to their birth order.
Additionally, I was raised in a large family, with seven siblings. I was born the sixth out of eight children, and my birth placement played a significant role in my position within my home.
Being sixth out of eight children created some positives with my birth order and some negatives.
All families are different, but these different types of sibling relationships are consistent in most families.
1. The Caretaker:
The Caretaker is often the firstborn. Caretakers begin early helping parents with small chores for other siblings. Firstborns generally remain in the role of caretaker throughout the years. Even as adults.
Many times, firstborn caretakers will continue to become caretakers of aging parents or grandparents with little support from other siblings.
As a second, third, or later sibling, it is important to acknowledge the responsibilities of caretakers in your family unit and support them.
2. Best Friends Sibling Relationships:
Often siblings develop a very close bond with each other while growing up. Siblings feel a true love and admiration towards their siblings.
Connecting closely with siblings can create a deep friendship, resulting in a “best-friend” relationship.
When siblings’ bond becomes the best friend status in childhood, it generally continues throughout their lifetime.
Best-friend-sibling relationships may be maids of honor or the best man at a sibling’s wedding.
Also, best-friend sibling relationships may eventually result in becoming a Godparent for a niece or a nephew.
Many siblings, especially very close in age siblings or twins, grow up being best friends with their sibling and remain best friends throughout their lifetime.
3. The Overly Competitive Sibling Relationships:
Some siblings feel they have something to prove to their parents and other siblings in the family. These siblings may become overly competitive in various areas, such as school and sports.
Overly competitive siblings may go out of their way to achieve higher grades and awards than their siblings. This type of overly competitive behavior creates sibling rivalry, which can become detrimental if not acknowledged and resolved.
They may also try to be more successful at sporting activities, sometimes to the point of showing aggression.
Most overly competitive siblings are looking for praise and approval from others, including teachers, coaches, and especially parents.
Although some competitiveness is normal among siblings, excessive competition can cause conflict and disagreements in many sibling relationships.
4. The Aloof Sibling Relationships:
Often families with several siblings have a member who is a bit aloof and uninterested in many of the family dynamics.
This sibling may enjoy get-togethers with other siblings but generally does not take the initiative to organize or get involved with details.
The aloof sibling will typically do what is asked of him or her by other family members, but will not inquire about their input or contribution freely.
As aloof sibling relationships get older, other siblings may choose to distance themselves from their uninterested, aloof sibling, while others may continually include them in family events.
Frequently, the “caretaker” sibling will be the connection between the aloof sib and other siblings. The “Caretaker” sibling will take it upon themself to reach out to the aloof sibling to keep them informed of what is happening in the family.
Nonetheless, some aloof siblings may change their uninterested behavior toward their birth family as they get older and start their own family unit.
5. The Black Sheep Sibling Relationships:
The Black Sheep sibling usually has trouble relating with other siblings. They can feel left out or isolated from their brothers or sisters.
Sometimes, this can be a result of a large age gap between siblings. Other reasons may be due to parents connecting with their children through sports, academics, or other activities.
Black Sleep siblings may have ideals and opinions, different from their family members. They may choose clothes or styles that differ from their siblings, making them feel awkward or unusual.
Although parents and other siblings may not exclude the unique sibling from family events, the black sheep sibling may feel tension in their sibling relationships.
Quite often, black sheep siblings change behaviors and attitudes as they get older and can become close to their sibs.
Of course, other black sheep siblings choose to distance themselves from their core family unit and establish relationships beyond their siblings or other family members.
For additional information about Navigating Sibling Relationships, see https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/family-dynamics/sibling-relationships
Other Types of Sibling Relationships
As with many families, types of sibling relationships may extend beyond brothers and sisters from the same mother and father.
Through marital relationship changes, family structures can evolve into a variety of sibling relationships.
Of course, the most traditional sibling relationships stem from brothers and sisters from the same parents.
However, if parents divorce or have children with other partners, half-siblings will share either the same mother or the same father.
Additionally, stepsiblings can become part of the family unit, without any biological relation with step-brothers and step-sisters.
These types of sibling relationships occur when both parents bring their children into a newly established family; creating step-siblings.
Toxic Sibling Relationships
Toxic sibling relationships can happen when siblings feel wronged by another sibling.
Often toxic siblings go well beyond competitiveness with other siblings and can become manipulative and abusive.
Some behaviors toxic siblings may exhibit are:
- Ongoing manipulation
- Continuously blaming others
- Lying, deceitful, two-faced (may tell one sibling or parent one thing and you another)
- Refusing to take responsibility for their actions
- Denying any wrongdoings
- Gaslighting; making you feel like you are in the wrong
- Ignoring established boundaries
- Changing the subject or the rules
- Using intimidation or fear to control others
Displaying unhealthy sibling relationships in childhood can continue into adulthood, causing fear and angst among siblings.
Importance of Sibling Relationships
I learned the importance of sibling relationships as a very young child. Growing up in a large, close-knit family set the stage for being best friends with my siblings.
My siblings, especially the ones closer in age to me, were my playmates, my confidants, my explorers, and my troublemakers.
In a family with eight kids within nine years, we were all fairly close. But our parents divided us into teams. Each “older” sib would partner with a “younger” sib. As number six in birth order, I was “younger”, so I was teamed with my older brother for chores.
As an older brother, he typically forced me to complete most of the chores with little input from him. And even though I had two younger siblings, I was always the smallest kid in the family. Which is code for the easiest to pick on!!! Haha!!
Yet, as the years went on and we matured, we learned to lean on each other for many things. We provided support, advice, and encouragement to each other through the years.
And, as adults, we continued to be there for each other when we encountered conflict or when our lives got difficult.
The importance of sibling relationships is being there for each other, even if your lives grow in different directions. The bond between siblings remains deep and sturdy.
It is full of love and laughter from childhood experiences and memories that spouses, children, or friends can’t understand.
Sibling relationships are important because they carry the deepest roots of our family history. And, sibling relationships hold the family’s joys and sorrows that connect all siblings for a lifetime!
For more information on families and parenting, see 15 TOP PARENTING CHALLENGES FOR PARENTS & GRANDPARENTS and THE SIMPLE TRUTHS ABOUT PARENTING.
TIPS, IDEAS, AND SUGGESTIONS ABOUT SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS
- Regardless of the anger or frustration you may feel towards a sibling, always remember to VALUE the connection and history you share.
- Don’t give up on having a sibling relationship. There are NO other relationships in your life that truly know you like a sibling.
- Be yourself! You DO NOT have to be what your sibling/s expects of you. Honor yourself and who you are. You will probably be surprised how much your sibling will appreciate your honesty!
- Respect! Regardless of circumstances or family challenges some families may face, it is important to always be respectful towards your siblings, if possible.
