See Below Tips, Ideas & Suggestions to Resolve Blaming Others
The Blame Game
Are you a parent or a grandparent with children blaming others for everything? Regardless of age, some people cannot avoid blaming others for their shortcomings.
Unfortunately, as a mother of five and a grandmother raising two grandchildren, I’ve often been caught up in the blame game. The, “it’s not my fault, it’s such and such fault” scenario!
When kids….or anyone, sticks to blaming others, it creates chaos in trust. When blaming others is someone’s first line of defense, it is difficult to believe what is true and what is false. Typically, parents and grandparents become immune to excuses, lies, and fabrications.
Additionally, blaming others spreads into every area and aspect of one’s life. Teachers may be affected if children are blaming others in school. Coaches may get frustrated if athletes are blaming others in sports.
Honestly, the ramifications of blaming others can affect individuals in a variety of ways. And mostly with negative outcomes.
Blaming Others for Your Feelings
Blaming others for your feelings can be due to a multitude of reasons. It is also known as projection. According to Psychology Today, “projection is the process of displacing one’s feelings onto a different person, animal, or object”.
Blaming others for your feelings, or projection, is a defense mechanism to protect oneself. Projection is generally a coping technique to safeguard someone’s negative emotions.
Often, when individuals cannot process their feelings and emotions, they blame others to get attention or sympathy.
Additionally, blaming others for their feelings can ease the discomfort and painful experiences if someone has been hurt.
Blaming Parents
Of course, children can be known for blaming parents for silly things. Often teenagers blame parents for saying something they feel is embarrassing.
Sometimes even wearing something uncool can make a teenager hang their head in shame! Blaming parents for trivial displays of weirdness is all part of raising a teenager. (For more information about Teens, see 13 AGONIZING EMOTIONS RAISING TEENAGERS HAVE ON PARENTS!
However, as children grow into adulthood, it is important and necessary they take responsibility for their own mishaps or mistakes. If young adult children continue blaming their parents for their own shortcomings, it can weigh heavily on a parent-and-child relationship.
Are you a parent who has been blamed for your adult child’s misfortunes? I certainly am!
As a parent now raising my grandchildren, I’ve been blamed for MANY unjust actions.
Regardless of the blame or situation, it is important to listen, evaluate, and respond without judgment or defense. Your child’s truth is theirs to feel, so listening without defending will let them understand you want to resolve conflict and repair past difficulties.
Blaming Parents for Your Problems
I’ve never met a parent who felt prepared for parenting. Even if or when parents think they are ready for parenthood, they are surprised (sometimes shocked) by the challenges of parenting.
And just when you believe you understand infancy and childhood, you are facing the adolescent and teenage years! Good luck to all first-time parents during those years!
The truth is, nothing or no one can prepare a parent. There is no handbook that parents can refer to to determine if they are doing the right thing for their child.
This means that EVERY parent makes mistakes while raising children. Because there is no 100% right nor 100% wrong answer when raising children. It’s a learn-as-you-go kinda job!
And, besides learning how to parent, you are figuring things out while raising your children. Then, when a second child comes along you discover that each child is completely different and you need to parent them differently! Whew! Parenting is HARD!!
While one child may be quiet and docile, another child may be loud and rambunctious! So again, parents will most likely make mistakes along the way. Unintentional mistakes. Mistakes they may blame parents for as the children get older. It comes with the parenting territory!
So, understanding that parents are human beings who make mistakes is an important part of maturing. Therefore, blaming parents for your problems needs to be evaluated with wisdom and maturity.
Blaming others, especially parents for your problems may be a way of deflecting a child’s disappointments in themselves.
Some children and adults may feel that blaming others, especially parents will protect them from their own shame, embarrassment, and negative feelings about themselves.
For some additional information about parenting challenges, see 15 TOP PARENTING CHALLENGES FOR PARENTS & GRANDPARENTS.
Blaming Parents for Mental Illness
Because it is virtually impossible to be a “perfect” parent, children are affected by their parent’s world around them growing up. Either consciously or unconsciously, parents’ personalities and behaviors impact how they parent. The good and the bad!
Although most parents may aim to raise their children differently or better than they were raised, many qualities, both negative and positive, are deeply rooted inside each of us.
Therefore, they may intentionally focus on disciplining and reprimanding their children the opposite of their childhood experiences. But mistakes are always made.
Regardless of how hard parents struggle for perfection, children are sponges who can absorb and retain the meaning of the message much differently than intended.
Due to a child’s perception, the information they notice or witness from listening to and watching their parents may be received differently than meant. If children receive the message incorrectly it can cause stress or fear inside the child, without the parent’s knowledge.
These types of interactions and encounters may occur frequently in a child’s thought process without parents’ awareness or realization.
Some behaviors or actions are common in adults, but they may confuse children. Behaviors that children may have been punished or corrected for without truly comprehending.
For example, lying. When children observe parents lying, even little white lies, it can cause children to question the importance of truth. Why can mommy and daddy lie, but I can’t?
This type of conflict in a child’s mind may cause insecurity and self-doubt. Of course, parents do not intend for their little white lies to negatively affect their children, but it can unintentionally impact their children’s mental health.
Other behaviors such as arguing, bad-mouthing, and cursing, can also take a toll on a child’s mental health. As human beings, it is nearly impossible to raise a child unscathed by some of these human behaviors.
Therefore, as our children grow it is important to recognize and acknowledge any mental health struggles they are dealing with.
It is vital to allow children to openly discuss their viewpoints about their mental health challenges. Keep in mind, that parents’ perspectives and children’s perspectives are ALWAYS different!
However, for children to focus on improving their mental health issues, parents must be willing to listen to their child’s perspective. If children are willing to discuss their feelings and emotions with parents, parents should be sure to listen with empathy, and not become defensive.
Understanding Perspectives Without Blaming Others, Including Parents
Again, a child’s perspective is generally quite different from the parents, so listening to how your child was impacted by something in their life can help them heal. Validating their feelings, without blaming you or blaming others will show them that you understand they are hurt.
As a parent of five grown children, I’ve discussed specific situations that my children experienced that affected them negatively, but I never realized.
For example, in my family, one situation involved babysitting. Since my two older girls were 6 & 8 years older than my three younger children, they were asked to babysit occasionally when they were teenagers.
However, I learned MANY years later, that one of my daughters always felt scared and nervous babysitting. It made her extremely anxious to be responsible for her three younger siblings.
We discussed this years later, and as we talked about feelings from those years, she became very emotional. Which made me feel guilty and emotional as well!
Honestly, when I think about parenting decisions and choices I made in the past, I can understand why some things could have been confusing to my children.
Like yelling in my car at other drivers, or cursing when I hurt myself. All while telling my kids not to do those things!
And there are other examples, such as strongly encouraging children to play a sport or join an activity they didn’t want to join.
Most times parents think they are doing the right thing, but in hindsight, are parents forcing or coercing kids into doing something they don’t feel comfortable doing? Things that may cause angst or distress within the child.
When raising children, parents’ decisions and perspectives are often much different than children’s perspectives.
To move forward, it is necessary to acknowledge and apologize for how your decisions or actions as a parent may have negatively affected your children.
Genuine heartfelt understanding is important for both parents and children when discussing perspectives from the past.
The Value of Not Blaming Others
Keep in mind, that all relationships are unique, especially the parent-child relationship. If you are a grandparent raising grandkids, like myself, your relationship may be more as a parent, than a grandparent.
Therefore, these blame scenarios may also apply to you and your grandchild as much as you and your child. Remember to value your family relationships and focus on connecting with your child’s emotions.
As a parent and a grandparent, it is extremely important to self-reflect on your feelings and emotions to find peaceful resolutions for you and your children’s relationships now and in the future.
Tips, Ideas & Suggestions to Resolve Blaming Others
- Recognize your responsibility for the situation and take ownership without focusing on blaming others.
- If you feel someone should accept blame for a situation, discuss it with them openly and maturely.
- Don’t keep your past feelings and emotions silent. Identify and discuss experiences you may be struggling with to resolve and heal your distress.
- Children, parents, or grandparents should share their perspectives to look for resolutions and understanding.
- Refrain from arguing. Listen empathically. Do not become defensive or angry. Validate feelings.
- Allow children, parents, and grandparents to provide their perspectives on any past discretions or negative situations.
- Validate feelings without the need to agree with others’ perspectives.
- Keep in mind, that the goal is to find a place of peace and comfort for your family’s future.
