See Below TIPS, IDEAS & SUGGESTIONS FOR DISCIPLINE TECHNIQUES FOR GRANDPARENTS (& PARENTS)
Discipline Techniques Challenges
Discipline techniques are difficult for parents and grandparents. Since parenting is not a learned life skill humans are born with. Parenting practices, are typically inherited from our own family experiences.
As a mother of five grown children, now raising two grandchildren, I’ve see many changes in discipline techniques over the years.
Yet, as generations continue to produce and multiply in a sophisticated world, family dynamics, including discipline have evolved.
Most parents no longer look to biblical verses or outdated methods of discipline. Children are not expected to be seen and not heard.
Typically, and I hope it is typical these days, parents do not follow the old proverb of “spare the rod and spoil the child”. The old proverb warned that, if parents do not discipline with physical punishment, the child will be spoiled! That’s ridiculous!!
Parenting professionals caution against any type of physical discipline techniques. Parents of the current generation strongly believe in many other productive discipline techniques, rather than spanking or striking a child.
Additionally, most physical discipline toward a child is considered abusive and parents can be reprimanded for using it for discipline techniques.
Also, studies have proven that any physical discipline approach has severe and negative impacts on children.
It is further proof that spanking, hitting or any undesirable physical contact used as discipline techniques results in harmful and damaging psychological outcomes for children.
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Here are 13 Valuable Discipline Techniques for Grandparents & Parents to Follow
1. Stay Calm
Remaining calm during stressful behaviors is HARD. But, keeping your voice level and composed will prove 100% more effective when discipline is needed.
Yelling and raising your voice causes panic and strain in a tense situation. Staying calm to try to resolve the behavior will yield a more positive result.
2. Breathe
In times of stress, it is important to breathe and take notice of our breath. When discipline is needed, take the opportunity to consciously breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.
Taking long, deep breaths will automatically slow your heart rate and nervous system allowing you a chance to focus on your discipline techniques.
3. Listen
It’s extremely important to listen to your child BEFORE sentencing them to a particular discipline. Listen to their side of the story BEFORE interjecting.
Be mindful not to interrupt them while they are talking. Give them a chance to explain the circumstances, then talk.
4. Ask Before you Accuse
After listening to their side of the situation, ask questions before you accuse them of something. Be sure you understand all of the facts before reacting.
5. Don’t Overreact
Overreacting may cause your children to lie or not tell you the full truth about the situation.
If they fear your reaction, they may withhold giving you the details needed to appropriately assess the situation.
6. Clarify
Be sure to clarify the exact details of your child’s explanation. Furthermore, make sure your child completely understands why their behavior was wrong or inappropriate.
If children do not truly understand the reasons for not doing something, they may repeat the same behavior at another time.
Telling a child not to do something and fully explaining the negative outcomes or consequences will give children a better chance to grasp the reasons behind the instruction.
For example, don’t just tell a child not to run into the street, explain the dangers and the harm that can happen if they do.
Along the same lines, telling a child not to steal and explaining that stealing is against the law offers a more thorough explanation.
If a child knows they will be charged with a crime if they steal, they will have a better understanding of an expected disciplinary outcome in advance.
7. Facial Expressions
Be mindful of the facial expressions you are showing your child. Although you may feel disappointed, expressing disappointment in your child can be an overwhelming emotion for them to handle.
Keep your facial expressions firm, and steady, without judgment.
8. Make Eye Contact
Lowering yourself to your child’s level and making eye contact with a child are very effective discipline techniques.
When disciplining a child, it is important to directly look at them. Give them your full attention and get down to their level to talk to them about the situation.
These discipline techniques show respect for your child and give you an opportunity to talk eye to eye, face to face.
9. Don’t Shame
Shame is a very strong and difficult emotion for children. Regardless of the discipline needed for a specific behavior, be sure not to shame your child.
Shaming a child will not change their behavior. But shame will make your child feel disgraced and bad about themselves.
Shaming children truly hurts them inside and out! ALWAYS refrain from expressing shame in your children!
10. Re-Evaluate – Put Yourself in Your Child’s Shoes
When learning of a negative behavior where discipline is needed, be sure to re-evaluate all of the circumstances surrounding the situation.
Take the time to really think about how you might have handled a similar position at your child’s age.
Putting yourself in their shoes and re-evaluating the incident may change your perspective on your discipline.
11. Mirror Their Emotions
Talking with your child and asking about their emotions regarding the situation is vital.
Let them speak openly about the emotions they are feeling and the specific incident itself. Acknowledge their emotions with support.
Ask them how you can help them regulate the emotions they have so you can discuss it productively, learn from it and move past it.
12. Never Hit, Spank, or Slap
Discipline techniques should not include hitting, spanking, or slapping. Physical discipline proves to give children an unhealthy sense of contact with parents, grandparents, or caregivers.
Soft hugs and loving affection are more effective when disciplining children. Expressing warmth and fondness toward children deem positive outcomes in future disciplinary situations.
13. Refrain from Name Calling
Often in times of stress, we may say things we don’t mean. This is definitely true when discipline is required.
But it is particularly important to refrain from name-calling when disciplining a child.
Name-calling or saying something hurtful to a child during times of anger can cause tremendous heartache.
Find discipline techniques that do not cause long-term anguish or sadness for you or your children.
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What is the Role of a Grandparent in Disciplining Grandchildren?
With disciplining techniques changing and evolving over the years, what is the role of a grandparent in disciplining grandchildren?
For the most part, the grandparents’ role regarding any discipline techniques should be guided by the parents.
Grandparents should respect parents’ discipline methods and strategies and put parents’ discipline techniques above and beyond their personal feelings or their grandparenting discipline ideas.
As a rule, grandparents should refrain from disciplining their grandchildren as much as possible and rely on parents to discipline their own children.
Of course, with that said, there are always exceptions to the rules, and discipline techniques for grandparents have exceptions.
7 Exceptions to the Rules
Obviously, there are exceptions to the rules, and disciplining techniques for grandchildren have exceptions.
If you are a grandparent raising grandchildren, like I am, your role becomes that of a parent and not the typical grandparent.
However, if you are raising grandkids, it is important to reassess your discipline techniques with your grandchildren. Grandparents may naturally lean toward the discipline techniques they used when raising their own children. But keep in mind, raising grandkids in the age of technology is completely different from raising children 20 or 30 or more years ago.
Regardless, there are exceptions to the rules for discipline techniques for grandparents. Knowing and understanding these exceptions are necessary for grandparents and parents.
1. Safety
If grandparents see any safety issues or concerns, they need to speak up. Children’s safety is of the utmost importance at all times.
Therefore, if grandparents witness a child running in the street or doing something unsafe, they must address it.
If grandparents feel that the parents are allowing unsafe behaviors, they must discuss it with the parents away from the children.
2. Child Developmental Delays
Grandparents have experience raising children; therefore, they may notice a child’s developmental delay that parents may be unaware of.
Often, parents, especially new parents, don’t know what to look for in their child’s development.
So, if grandparents notice or recognize a developmental delay in their grandchild, it is appropriate to respectfully discuss it with the parents.
3. Lying
Children lie. It’s a fact! Especially young children. And many times, their little white lies can be quite funny and humorous.
However, as children get older it is important, they take accountability for their actions.
Therefore, if an older child or teen is directly lying about something, grandparents may need to discuss the issue with their grandchildren and/or the parent.
4. House Rules
Most homes have some house rules. Whether it’s taking shoes off at the door, not eating in particular areas of the house, etc., etc.
Although grandparents may be lenient when grandchildren come to visit, it is important they respect the house rules.
If grandchildren refuse to follow the house rules, grandparents may need to use one of the suggested discipline techniques for grandchildren.
Of course, any disciplinary actions grandparents take with their grandchildren should be discussed with parents when possible.
5. Substance/Alcohol Abuse
If grandparents witness or suspect their grandchildren are abusing drugs or alcohol, they must take immediate action.
In a situation of substance or alcohol abuse, parents must be made aware to determine a course of action moving forward.
6. School Work Struggles
If grandparents notice a lack of effort in their grandchild’s school work, they may want to discuss it with their grandchild.
Grandparents may have a better opportunity to find out what struggles their grandchildren are experiencing in school.
Children may be scared to discuss school challenges with their parents.
So, if grandparents learn about their grandchild’s difficulties in school, they need to raise the topic with the parents.
7. Disrespect
If grandparents feel they are being disrespected by their grandchildren they should bring the issue to their attention.
Grandchildren may not realize their tone of voice or disrespectful behavior, so before overreacting, explain your expectations of respect from your grandchild.
Also, it is important grandparents tell their parents about their grandchild’s behavior when children are not present. This will allow parents to address the issue with the child privately.
Should Grandparents Discipline Grandchildren?
Grandparents who are raising today’s Generation Z (born between 1995-2012) or Generation Alpha (born between 2010- the present) may need to re-evaluate their own discipline techniques.
Clearly, standards have changed for these generations. For some additional information see 15 Parenting Challenges Concerning Parents and Grandparents
Raising Generation Z (Born between 1995-2012)
Here are a few suggestions about behaviors for both Generation Z and Generation Alpha that grandparents may need to learn and understand.
- Technology
Grandparents need to recognize that our grandchildren are growing up in the age of technology. Meaning, every part of their day revolves around some type of technology.
Therefore, grandparents should learn to understand and appreciate the benefits technology has on our grandchildren’s life.
But technology can also be disruptive, intrusive, and distracting. So, grandparents may need to set guidelines for using technology at times.
For example, using a cell phone at the dinner table is rude. Maybe parents allow it, but probably most grandparents do not.
While grandparents can show an appreciation for technological uses, such as school, communication, etc., grandchildren may need to curb their technology obsession with grandparents.
- Privileges
Oftentimes, grandchildren are not aware that something they have or are doing is a privilege, not a need.
And in reality, many children are surrounded by privileges that they don’t recognize or acknowledge as a privilege.
However, grandparents, who typically had less than their grandchildren, have a better understanding of privileges.
So, if discipline is needed for a grandchild taking away a privilege, such as a cell phone, a trip to the mall, shopping, etc. may show better results than other discipline techniques.
Raising Generation Alpha (Born between 2010 – the present)
Parents generally have busier lifestyles these days. In the majority of families, both parents are working.
So, parents on the go rely on steady discipline techniques for themselves, daycares, and/or anyone caring for their children. Including grandparents.
Here are some Generation Alpha discipline techniques for parents and grandparents.
- Time Out
The “time out” discipline method has been used for at least the past two generations. However, many grandparents may have not used “time out” as one of their discipline techniques.
But, using time outs is still very effective and one of the best discipline techniques for young children.
“Time out” involves placing a child in a secure area while the child calms down. This technique is productive and successful for both the child and the grandparent or parent.
- Gentle Parenting
Parents who use “Gentle Parenting” allow their children to make many decisions for themselves.
Parents do not force children to hug or kiss anyone, including family members unless the children choose to.
Children raised with Gentle Parenting learn to respect their bodies and their boundaries. This method gives children the opportunity to decide whom they want to be near them at all times.
Gentle parenting also puts empathy first and focuses on not yelling or raising your voice at a child.
Gentle parenting shows respect for children and their emotions. Parents listen to their children’s issues and concerns without judgment.
Grandparents may need to discuss and review “Gentle Parenting” techniques with parents before they use any type of discipline on their grandchild.
Love for Grandchildren
Lastly, grandparents love their grandchildren. Whether we are raising them or visiting them. We love being around them and watching them grow.
Grandchildren are a special part of grandparents, so we have a special place in our hearts for them.
Of course, we do not want to hurt or discipline them in any way. But, if there is a time when grandparents need to discipline, be soft, loving, and respectful.
TIPS, IDEAS & SUGGESTIONS FOR DISCIPLINE TECHNIQUES FOR GRANDPARENTS & PARENTS
- Be kind. Don’t raise your voice in anger. Keep a low, steady tone when disciplining.
- Discipline your child privately. Don’t embarrass your child in front of others.
- Don’t dwell on the facts. State the issue and the outcomes. Keep the message short and concise. You will lose their attention if you continue talking unnecessarily.
- Show respect. Children need to feel respected even when they do the wrong thing.
- Be loving. Regardless of your child’s behavior, be loving.
- Affectionate touch. Softly touching a child’s arm or head when disciplining them will make them understand you are upset with the behavior, but still, love them.
