How Many Grandparents are Raising Their Grandchildren?
TIPS, IDEAS & SUGGESTIONS FOR GRANDPARENTS RAISING GRANDKIDS
The number of grandparents raising grandkids has been increasing rapidly over the past 10-15 years. Currently, there are approximately 13 million children under the age of 18 living in a household with at least one grandparent.
Although there may be other members of the family living in the home, the grandparents are typically responsible for their grandchildren and often the other family members. Resulting in an estimated 2.7 – 3 million grandparents raising grandchildren.
I am one of those grandparents. Nearly 6 years ago my two oldest grandchildren moved in with my husband and me. Although they live with both my husband and me, I have sole legal custody of them, with lots of support from him!
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Why do Grandparents End up Raising Grandchildren?
Grandparents are raising their grandchildren for a number of reasons. Yet, it is noted that these numbers have increased over the past 10 years due to the opioid crisis.
AARP states several reasons why grandparents end up raising grandchildren, such as:
- Drugs and alcohol addictions
- Incarceration of a parent or parents
- Violence and abuse
- Death of a parent or parents
- Mental illness
- Poverty
- Divorce
- Military deployment
- Teen Pregnancy
Other reasons for grandparents raising grandkids may include:
- Substance abuse
- Child abuse and neglect
- Physical illness or disease
- Disabled children
- Abandonment
How Does Being Raised by Grandparents Affect a Child?
How children are affected by being raised by grandparents really depends on the overall situation as well as the child. However, if children are living with grandparents, instead of parents, there is a reason.
Whatever that reason is, it may need to be acknowledged and addressed with a medical professional and/or therapist to determine the best steps for the child to successfully move forward.
Often grandparents raising grandkids may find that children are behind in school. Therefore, grandparents may need to meet with school staff to determine if additional support is needed or if an IEP, Individualized Education Plan, should be put in place.
See more details regarding IEP’s see What is an IEP? Does My Struggling Child Need One?
Generally, grandparents have not had a child in school for many years, therefore, they too may need some review and learn new school methods and educational systems.
Some good school resources for grandparents are: https://raisinggrandkids.com/challenges-faced-by-students-in-school/ and https://raisinggrandkids.com/homework-help-ideas/
Grandparents Caring for Grandchildren
Additionally, there are other concerns that affect children being raised by grandparents. Such as mental and emotional issues. Again, there are a variety of reasons why grandparents are raising grandkids. And due to the children’s past circumstances, they may have suffered or experienced some level of trauma in their life.
Regardless of what circumstances children have experienced, there may be some mental and/or emotional issues that need to be addressed through counseling or therapy.
It is vitally important for grandparents raising grandkids to seek guidance and support if they notice challenging behaviors in their grandchildren. Getting clinical treatment as soon as possible may yield the best results for you and your grandchildren.
Therefore, if grandparents observe problems with their grandchildren’s focus and concentration, behavioral tantrums, sadness or depression, obvious mood swings, extreme activity, social withdrawal, or overt anger, they should seek professional help.
For further support for grandparents raising grandkids, go to: https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/grandparents.pdf
How Do Children Feel About Living with Grandparents?
Frequently, and in my case, my grandkids were excited about living with us. Previously, when they visited, they were guests, my first two grandchildren, so I catered to them. Waited on them. Did for them.
When they moved in and made our home, their home, it was a bit confusing for all of us. Honestly, I continued to treat them the same as I had when they were guests, but now we are living under one roof.
They are, in all uncertain terms, my responsibility, my children. But it took some getting used to from both sides. I needed to stop waiting on them and expect them, really require them, to do things for themselves.
Of course, I still cook for them and care for them, but they are expected to clean up after themselves and pitch in with the household chores.
Again, this arrangement took some getting used to but is very important for them to learn and truly live as family members in the house.
What is it Called When Grandparents are Raising Their Grandchildren?
Over the years new terms have developed to acknowledge grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. If you research the term you may see “kinship care” or “kinship”, meaning grandparents are the primary caregivers for their grandchildren.
Furthermore, the term “grandfamilies” has become popular, siting a grandparent as the responsible family member for raising their grandchildren.
Through therapists and counselors, my grandchildren and I have seen over the years, I have been informed the most accurate term is REparenting. Meaning, we, as grandparents, are parenting again.
For me, REparenting seems to be the perfect word to describe my role in raising my grandkids. Perhaps other grandparents raising grandkids may also adopt this term for themselves.
No matter what term grandparents decide to call their lifestyle, in the end, we are all grandparents raising grandkids, and truly parenting again!
Check out this suggested article about REparenting.
What Challenges Do Grandparents Raising Grandkids Face?
When grandparents are caring for grandchildren, they may experience emotional and physical challenges. Regardless of the reasons, they are raising their grandchildren, so they may have a multitude of hard feelings.
If grandparents are estranged from their own children, their grandchildren’s parents, there may be a level of guilt and shame. They may also feel guilt and shame if their children are addicted to drugs and alcohol and unable to care for their own children.
Also, if a grandparents’ child has died prematurely, they may feel deep sadness and depression for themselves and their grandchildren. The challenge for these grandparents may be caring for and raising grandchildren while living with their internal grief over the loss of their child.
Still, if parents abuse, neglect or abandon their children, which would require grandparents to take custody and raise their grandchildren, they may feel frustration and anger.
Of course, a huge challenge for many grandparents is physical limitations. As a 50, 60, 70, or 80-year-old or older, physically keeping up with our grandchildren’s energy becomes difficult.
These physical limitations may restrict grandparents’ ability to provide certain activities grandchildren may desire. Grandchildren may not fully understand their grandparents’ limits, which can create additional stress within the home.
Knowing that grandparents are not alone with these challenges and emotions may help both grandparents and grandchildren work towards a better understanding of their relationship.
What are 5 Problems That Grandparents Raising Grandkids Experience?
With grandparents raising grandkids they can encounter several problems. Here are 5 common problems many grandparents raising their grandchildren have openly discussed.
Sleeplessness:
Many grandparents are raising grandchildren who are babies or very young. These children typically have not established a steady and/or consistent sleep pattern.
Often younger children, such as my granddaughter, may experience fears and night terrors. They may become overwhelmed and frightened in the middle of the night. Therefore, you may be waking up several times throughout the night to comfort them back to sleep.
Sleep is extremely important to children and to grandparents raising grandkids in order to maintain their busy daily schedules.
Exhaustion:
Of course, if you’re not getting enough sleep, you will feel exhausted. But, honestly, the feeling of exhaustion extends much further than sleep.
Without sleep, you may feel mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted by the end of the day when raising grandkids. For me, both of my grandchildren have special needs, one is on the autism spectrum, and the other has ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, so daily life can be exhausting!
Adding school and extracurricular activities to daily routines also increases the amount of exhaustion! Plus, as a grandparent, it’s difficult trying to keep up with 30 or 40-something-year-old moms. It’s EXHAUSTING!!!
Loneliness:
When my grandchildren moved in with my husband and me, we were both working full-time jobs and traveling whenever we had the opportunity. With our five children grown and raised, we had the freedom we yearned for, for many years!
My husband, however, works shift work and weekends, so I often planned trips and outings without him. I have two best girlfriends and for many years we enjoyed dancing on weekends, traveling, and seeing shows. Our work lives were full and our weekends were full of fun.
When the grandkids moved in my time was no longer my own. I was MomMom, really a mom again to two young, scared children who needed me more than ever.
My new work days were full of hurried hours, daycare schedules, and dinner planning. OH, HOW I HATE THE DINNER PLANNING!!
So, for those first few years with my grandkids, I missed my outings, my friends, my freedom, and my other life. I was really, really lonely and felt stuck. Honestly, my friends didn’t truly understand my situation and many of them had negative feelings toward my daughter (my grandkids mom).
I had negative feelings too! But, I didn’t openly talk about it because I knew I couldn’t change the situation I was facing at that time. So, I did and continue to do what I need to do for my grandkids.
And over the years both they and their mother, my daughter, continue to improve and develop, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Isolation:
Along with loneliness comes isolation. Yes, you can be and feel lonely without being isolated. But, when you’re a grandparent in your 50’s and 60’s raising grandchildren, people notice.
And yes, some people are lovely. And others are not! I’ve encountered teachers that can’t get past that I am their legal guardian. Huh!?!? Why is that questionable? As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, 2.7-3 million grandparents are raising their grandchildren.
You’d think teachers, administrators, coaches, colleagues, and other parents may catch on at some point. But many don’t. This means, either I or my grandchildren need to provide an explanation for my presence. Ugh!
When grandparents raising grandkids are not acknowledged as a “parent” by other parents, teachers, doctors, etc. it can feel isolating.
When your 50-year-old friends have the freedom to go out whenever they want and you can’t, it feels isolating.
When you are left out or not invited to places because you are home raising grandkids, it feels isolating.
Again, time moves on and your grandchildren will get older, but grandparents are also getting older, and opportunities for socializing may be fewer.
Try not to let yourself become too isolated from the things you enjoy doing. Get out there and do them, even if you do need to do them by yourself!
Privacy:
As mentioned, when my granddaughter first moved in, she was extremely anxious. She would not be alone in a room and refused to go up or down stairs without someone else. She also experienced night terrors and tremors during her sleeping hours.
Due to her condition, she was never alone. Which meant, I was also never alone. This was difficult for me to get used to. As stated, I’ve raised five children and during those years they had their nightmares and scary times, but nothing like my granddaughter was going through.
Before the grandkids moved in, which I jokingly refer to as BK, “before kids”, I was a night owl. Always stayed up late, and woke up early. That was my routine throughout my life.
But my routine had to change. I needed to lay with my granddaughter every night in order for her to fall asleep. We’d read together and even practice some meditation strategies we learned.
Most nights I would fall asleep right next to her at 8 or 9 pm. Therefore, over the past six years, my sleep schedule has completely changed. Instead of being a night owl, I’ve become an early bird! Honestly, I kinda love it!
With the majority of my time spent with my granddaughter, I lost much of my own private time. Typically, she was with me every place I went, so phone conversations, one on one interactions, and bedtime had all become HER time, not my time.
Having raised three daughters, I understood the stages young girls go through as an adolescent & pre-teen. Therefore, I knew, or at least hoped, as time went on, that if I provided love and support, my granddaughter would eventually become more comfortable with herself and her independence. Which she has.
Now that she’s getting older, I have more privacy back in my daily life and she has become more protective of her privacy. Lol! Truly, a definite sign of growth and maturity on her part!
Support for Grandparents Raising Grandkids
It’s important that grandparents raising grandkids find support and encouragement from family members and/or members of the community.
Regardless of a grandparent’s age, gender, or economic status there are services available to help educate and guide grandparents.
The below resources may be helpful in providing assistance to those grandparents looking for general support.
- Support groups for Grandparents Raising Grandkids by State.
- The American Association of Retire Persons, AARP, helps seniors find programs and services at a discounted rate for all members.
- The American Bar Association Center on Children and the Law offers legal support to grandparents trying to gain legal custody of their grandchildren. For additional information about kinship family rights.
- For resources for Grandparents raising grandkids see Grandfamilies.org provides an extensive list of resources for grandparents looking for various information. Grandfamilies offer grandparents raising grandkids very beneficial information on state laws, support groups, as well as resources.
TIPS, IDEAS & SUGGESTIONS FOR GRANDPARENTS RAISING GRANDKIDS
- Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Address your feelings and emotions openly and don’t hold back.
- Cry if you need to! Sometimes a good cry can solve internal stress, so grab a box of tissues and go for it!
- Set boundaries with your grandkids and be firm. Not mean, not rude, not nasty, but firm.
- Breathe! Even though you’re older and wiser, you’re going to lose your patience. Before you do or say something you’ll regret, stop and take some deep breaths. Then proceed with caution!
- LOVE YOUR GRANDCHILDREN!! They did not ask to be put in whatever situation landed them in your home. Grandparents raising grandkids offers a very special opportunity for bonding. Show them your love!
