See Below: TIPS, IDEAS & SUGGESTIONS FOR OVER-APOLOGIZING
What is Over-Apologizing?
Over-apologizing is when someone continually apologizes for their actions. Even if they are not at fault. It has been found that over-apologizing occurs more frequently with women and girls.
Of course, over-apologizing may happen in abundance when a mistake is made. Even if the mistake is very small or simple. Repetitive over-apologizing and “I’m sorry” may take place!
Additionally, those who are over-apologizing may take the blame for situations they have nothing to do with.
Regardless of who is at fault, over-apologizers feel responsible for apologizing for the outcome.
The Power of Apologizing
As a mother of five grown children, now raising two grandchildren, I have seen and felt the power of apologizing.
Taking responsibility for our words and actions gives children and parents an opportunity to show forgiveness and strengthen connections.
Authentic apologies demonstrate empathy for others and deepen meaningful growth within families and other loving relationships.
To see additional information about relationships with kids and teens, see 13 Agonizing Emotions Raising Teenagers Have on Parents.
Apologizing too Much!
Apologizing too much may appear if someone blames themselves for things that may go wrong. They may feel they are responsible for resolving other people’s issues and conflicts.
If problems are not resolved, the over-apologizer may believe it is their fault.
If someone is over-apologizing, reassuring them that they should not feel accountable for the outcome is important for their self-esteem.
Helping them understand they should not take blame or guilt for others.
Is Over-Apologizing a Sign of Anxiety?
In many cases, over-apologizing can be considered a sign of anxiety. This is shown through psychological testing where those with anxiety need to apologize for their existence.
This behavior can be very subtle and go unnoticed. Many may believe someone apologizing is being kind and thoughtful, without understanding the depth of their anxiety.
Recognizing that those with anxiety are often over-apologizing to seek approval from others, and try to reduce stressful situations.
Constantly Over-Apologizing in a Relationship
Over-apologizing in a relationship may indicate a lack of self-worth and assurance. Many times, those who constantly apologize are afraid to upset their partner.
Therefore, they feel if they take the blame for problems in their relationship, it will resolve any conflicts they may have.
While it is important to apologize when a mistake is made, constantly over-apologizing in a relationship may create insincerity.
Over-apologizing may also lead to trust issues and make a partner feel that real apologies are meaningless.
Tips to Build Trust in Relationships:
- Determine goals to reduce over-apologizing
- Talk with your partner about how you can support each other during stressful periods
- Do something positive together to build strength and confidence in each other
- Set clear boundaries in the relationship
- Agree to always show respect to each other
- Pinpoint positive attributes in each other
Discussing and identifying these suggestions will help reduce the over- apologizer’s feelings of being continually responsible for all aspects of the relationship.
Is Over-Apologizing a Trauma Response?
It is proven that over-apologizing can be a sign of trauma. Meaning that someone who has experienced trauma may not feel confident in themselves. They may apologize for not feeling good enough for something or someone.
Those who have lived with trauma may feel that over-apologizing will keep the peace and not escalate disruptive circumstances.
Often continual apologizing becomes a habit to someone who has experienced trauma either in childhood or with a partner.
Childhood trauma may allow someone to believe they are the reason for something negative happening. Therefore, their automatic response is to apologize, even if they had nothing to do with the cause of the situation.
For more information on How to Learn From These 5 Traumatic Childhood Experiences.
Over-Apologizing Manipulation
I have found that many over-apologizers are not always truly sincere in their apology. Sometimes, I see over-apologizing manipulation happening to subdue the situation and make one feel sorry for the apologizers.
For example, children and teenagers may say they are sorry when they are confronted with an excuse or a lie. They may profusely apologize for not doing or doing something they were not supposed to do.
They may even cry or get very upset looking for remorse and affection from their parents, teachers, friends, etc. They may beg for forgiveness, continually over-apologizing for their wrongdoings, and claim they will never do it again.
Yet, frequently it is found, that those types of apologies are targeted to manipulate the other person to believe they are heartfelt. Only to realize that these over-apologizing manipulations begin to happen over and over again.
Apologies without substance become fake and frequent, leaving others feeling totally manipulated and taken advantage of.
Therefore, if someone is blindly apologizing in order to avoid conflict and keep the peace, most likely they are being manipulative and do not actually feel sorry at all!
Stay away from these types of manipulators and run for the hills!!
Sorry Syndrome
The sorry syndrome appears in order to avoid conflict of any kind. People say they are sorry because they do not want to upset anyone.
They also do whatever is necessary to avoid confrontation and feelings of internal guilt for not apologizing for every situation.
The sorry syndrome includes those who try to please others, even if the situation does not deserve an apology.
Additionally, the sorry syndrome typically occurs at a subconscious level. Determining an effective, confident response to excessive over-apologizing will help reduce reasons for saying you’re sorry.
Understanding Over-Apologizing
How do we understand over-apologizing? For me, it is very personal. My grandchildren, especially my granddaughter….again, girls do more over-apologizing than boys, says she is sorry for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING!
As mentioned, over-apologizing is a trauma and a manipulation response. And, both of my grandchildren have experienced trauma, along with manipulation when they were young.
Honestly, it breaks my heart to think that now, my granddaughter, as a young teenage girl, feels it necessary to constantly apologize for herself. For simply existing.
Studies show that those who are over-apologizing lack confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. I see all of this in my granddaughter.
Regardless of how many years she/they have spent in a safe, productive, happy home, their early childhood experiences keep a destructive, self-loathing grip on them. It is sad to witness and sad to admit.
Finding strategies, support, and ongoing strength is important to learn how to build up your child. Showing your child or grandchild how special they are is vital. And letting them know that they do not need to apologize for being who they are.
Say You’re Sorry
So, what does it REALLY mean to say you’re sorry? The most important reason most people say you’re sorry is to attempt to please others.
But, if someone is truly sorry, they need to understand how and why to say you’re sorry….and mean it!
When you have wronged someone, it is appropriate to say you’re sorry. Yet, it is necessary to acknowledge what you did wrong and how to change your behavior.
If someone is truly sorry, saying the words do not matter. It is your actions that prove your sorrow.
Meaning, that if someone is sorry, they make changes to correct what they did wrong. Or, they genuinely apologize for the error, even if it cannot be corrected.
Saying you’re sorry is an empty message if you continue to make the same mistake. Honestly aiming to improve behavior or correct an action is much more effective than a meaningless apology.
How to Stop Over-Apologizing
It may be true that some of us may want to be considered a good person, so we feel that apologizing will show others we are sincere.
But the truth is, over-apologizing can hide your real emotions about yourself and others.
Concentrating on your own internal feelings and emotions may help you address tendencies of over-apologizing and taking blame for situations you are not responsible for.
Here are a Few Things You Should Never Apologize for:
- Not having answers to someone’s question/s
- Situations out of your control
- Your own feelings or emotions
- Your physical presence or appearance
- Anything you did not do
- Things you do not know
- Other people’s actions
Of course, at times, we all need to apologize for some things. But, when you do apologize, be sure you apologize for something you did and do not take responsibility for someone else’s actions.
For feel better today, and stay ready for tomorrow, reach out to Talk Space for individual or group support .
Overview of Over-Apologizing
If you recognize yourself as an over-apologizer, it is not too late to change your behavior. First, there are a few tips and tricks you can try to stop over-apologizing that I adopted many years ago.
Instead of saying, “I’m sorry”, I say, “Excuse me”. I’ve learned that saying, “Excuse me” in a line or moving around someone is clearer and more effective, than saying “I’m sorry”.
Another suggestion to say is, “Thank you”, instead of “I’m sorry”. Thanking someone for their patience or for their time is more gracious, than apologizing.
So, the next time you start to apologize for something, stop and think about an alternative message you could send.
Then, bravely and confidently say something other than, “I’m sorry”!
You don’t need to apologize for being you!!
TIPS, IDEAS & SUGGESTIONS FOR OVER-APOLOGIZING
- Before you apologize, ask yourself why you are apologizing!
- Are you apologizing to make yourself or others feel better or did you actually make a mistake?
- ONLY apologize for an error, a mistake, or an oversight you have caused.
- Don’t apologize for other people or other’s behaviors!
- Instead of saying you’re sorry, choose other phrases, such as “excuse me” or “thank you”.
- NEVER apologize for things or situations out of your control.
- Always remember, you are human and humans make mistakes. When you make a mistake, be honest and sincere to correct it.
