TIPS, IDEAS & SUGGESTIONS FOR STEP-GRANDPARENTS
Statistics show that the current divorce rate in America is over 44%. Knowing divorces are rapidly occurring in the United States, as well as in other countries, there is a large increase in newly blended families.
Blended families can apply to any family living together as a couple, with children from the current relationship or previous relationships.
With so many blended families in the world, there are many step-parents, step-children, and step-grandchildren. Most families deal with figuring out how “step” family members will fit in, however, when it comes to step-grandparents, some questions may need to be asked rather than assumed.
Additionally, there are a variety of relationship structures that may have some families asking more questions than others. Regardless of the dynamic of the non-blood relative in your family, becoming a step-grandparent may create questions for step-parents that you never thought of before.
For example:
1. What Name will Step-Grandchildren Call Their Step- Grandparents?
First, giving a grandparent a grand-parenting title may depend on the step-child/step-parent relationship. If children are raised by step-parents, they may feel a closer bond with that step-parent. More parental. Therefore, when the step-children become parents, they may want their children to call that step-parent an endearing grandparent name, regardless if they are a step-grandparent.
Naming step-parenting may also depend on the decided title of the blood grandparent. Meaning, I am MomMom, so my husband is PopPop. Often grandparents determine their names or titles from each other. Grandmom/Grandpop, Nonna/Noono, Oma/Opa.
Frequently, grandchildren or the first grandchild in the family may give or call grandparents a name of their choosing and that name may stick for all other grandchildren. Often, children, have difficulty saying a particular name, so they may call them a name they can pronounce and that may be what they call the grandparent throughout their life.
However, if a grandparent marries a new partner when children or grandchildren are grown, the step-children and step-grandchildren may feel more comfortable calling their new step-family member by their first name or even Mr. or Mrs. Although Mr. or Mrs. may feel cold and uncomfortable, it may be preferred for new step-grandparents.
The bottom line is that step-grandparents need to be understanding and flexible when it comes to a grandparent title. Don’t dig your heels in the sand about any one particular grandparent’s name. Let your partner and your step-children and step-grandchildren determine what your title should be.
Of course, if they’re asking for your feedback or opinion, be honest and let them know what you truly prefer to be called as a step-grandparent.
2. What Role will Step-Grandparents Have?
As a step-parent and a step-grandparent, your role may be limited, or it could be very involved. Again, if you are a step-parent who has raised your step-child your role may be viewed as a supportive parent, rather than a “step” outsider.
If this is the case, your relationship from the time your step-grandchild is born is a grandparent. Typically, the grandchild, technically step-grandchild, will feel a loving and inclusive bond with the blood grandparent as well as the step-grandparent.
However, if the step-child is grown or much older when the couple is together, there could be some distance and resentment toward the step-parent. If that is the case, then the role of a step-grandchild may need to be discussed with the blood grandparent and the child’s parents.
Generally, grandparents, especially step-parent’s role, should not discipline grandchildren. Even if you are raising grandkids or step-grandkids, rules and expectations must be established, but disciplining may feel more rebellious coming from a step-grandparent.
Also, physical discipline or punishment should never be given by grandparents or step-grandparents. Striking your grandchild or step-grandchild can permanently damage your grandparenting relationship.
3. Should Step-Grandparents Give Advice?
Traditionally grandparents enjoy giving grandchildren advice on a variety of life lessons. However, as a step-grandparent, your advice and opinions may not be welcome. Your advice may also conflict with another blood grandparent, which could cause tension.
Step-grandparents should be cautious when giving advice unless they are experts in the subject being discussed. If that is the case, it is best to provide your advice and suggestions, then allow your step-children to decide how to take your advice.
Keep in mind, that step-grandchildren may be getting information and opinions from other sources, as well as other grandparents. Therefore, provide your advice lovingly, but don’t force the issue or information. If your step-grandchildren want additional information, they will approach you to ask. Wait for their lead before pushing yourself on them.
4. Do Step-Grandparents Feel the Need to Be Right?
Those of us who are old enough to be grandparents or step-grandparents were raised in a different era. Most of us had different expectations and lots of other differences in our upbringing.
Unfortunately, many adults in the past, including parents and grandparents, did not value the ideas or opinions of children. Sadly, children were not permitted to express their innermost wants, needs, or desires….even if they pertained to them.
Parents typically had the final decisions and say regarding their children’s activities. Most times parents decided which career path children could or would make after graduating high school.
Often, girls were not encouraged to continue their education in college. However, if girls or boys did decide to go to college, parents often made the final decision on which college they would attend.
With that in mind, many grandparents or step-grandparents of today have a bit of their parents’ attitude. Many grandparents might feel it is their right to give their unsolicited advice and opinions to grandchildren.
Regrettably, some grandparents and step-grandparents may believe that THEIR way is the “right” way, regardless of how grandchildren may feel. Frequently, the older generation feels the need to be right at all times! They may argue with younger folks to try to prove their point. Perhaps trying to insist their way is best, citing “my way or the highway”!
Here’s a HUGE shout-out to all grandparents and step-grandparents…Don’t be a self-righteous “Know It All”! It’s mean and it’s frustrating! Always remember it’s better to be appreciated and admired than to be right! You don’t need to be right just because you’re a grandparent!
If grandparents are asked for an opinion, give it. But, realize your way is not the ONLY way of doing things. Allow others their own opinions and their way of doing things without conflict from you.
5. Is Comparing Step-Grandparents Childhood Acceptable?
When grandparents were children, they were expected to be seen and not heard! That was a statement many of us often heard from our parents, family members, and even teachers.
The quick answer is NO!! No! No! No! Don’t do it! Comparing childhoods with grandparents and step-grandparents is NOT acceptable, because it is a different world!!
When I was a child, my parents would often tell me stories about how far they had to walk to school. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard it all before. You’ve heard the older generation complaining about walking to school both ways, uphill! Lol! Although it was a joke(ish), the statement was made to impress the fact that the older generation had it much harder than the next generation.
When my siblings or I asked my parents for rides anywhere, my parents would typically advise us to walk. Quite honestly, I had to walk most places when I was a kid because my parents didn’t feel rides were necessary. I believe the reason they felt that was because my parents compared their childhood experiences to mine.
Therefore, they felt it was more important for kids to walk than get driven places. Can you imagine how many arguments there would be in today’s families if kids were required to walk everywhere they went!!
Also, my parents continually told my siblings and me how lucky we were to have certain things. But really, I didn’t understand their comparisons or what they meant until I was much older. I never truly understood why my needing a ride to a friend’s house had anything to do with them walking to school!
Of course, the point they were trying to impress upon me was that we had it better than they had it and we should be grateful. Truthfully, I never felt grateful for having to walk places and their constant comparisons mostly made me angry and frustrated with them.
Probably because their old references were so outdated that it didn’t make any sense or logic to me. I wish one of us would have figured that out years and years ago!
Fast forward to my generation becoming parents, and now grandparents. Knowing what we experienced as children, what should we do? Ugh! Unfortunately, we tend to do the same thing as our parents.
Parents and grandparents compare things that they lacked in their childhood to their children and grandchildren. I see it all the time! Often, older generations make current generations feel guilty for the deficiencies they had as a child.
It’s wrong for parents and grandparents to share these types of stories and make children feel guilty about the things their parents and grandparents lacked when they were children. STOP DOING THIS!!
Understanding Generation Gaps
We need to understand that children do not control the world around them. They are not responsible for the new gadgets, productivity, or technology the world has to offer them. Young people in new generations cannot relate or even pretend to relate to a great-grandparent talking about families with no cars, no TVs, or no airplanes.
Those ideas are so foreign to kids or teens. There are truly no comparisons between those generations. Therefore, discussing those issues as a “typical” childhood environment is completely out of the current lines of normal.
Today high-speed technology is everywhere! Our lives are surrounded by an overwhelming amount of technology at our fingertips. Most of us carry a small device in our hand that behaves more like a small computer rather than a phone. Children, as well as adults, can have access to instantaneous information at all times!
There is absolutely no comparison between the way the overall population lives today and how the population lived years ago. Considering the internet boom was in the 1990s (can you believe it was ONLY the 90s!!) most Millennials and Generation Z kids have NO idea what the world was like before the world wide web. They can not comprehend the world any differently than what they grew up in.
Therefore, comparing the 1960s, 70’s, or 80’s to our grandchildren is unfathomable! It’s the same as our parents comparing their childhood without cars, TV, or airplanes. It’s nearly impossible for us to imagine a world without cars. For our grandkids, it’s impossible to imagine the world without Wi-Fi!
Of course, sharing stories about the differences in generations can be fun and educational. But don’t blame the younger generation for using the technology they grew up with. It’s the only world they know and understand.
I often read messages that say how wonderful it was to grow up in the ’60s, ’70s, and ’80s. They say it was a wonderful upbringing. That may be true for you. Perhaps that was your experience. But you cannot raise children or grandchildren the way your parents raised you, because that world no longer exists!
6. Step-Grandparents Should Stay Neutral: Don’t Take Sides
As a step-grandparent, it’s important to remain neutral under most circumstances. If you have both blood grandchildren and step-grandchildren, which is common in blended families, it’s important to stay as impartial as possible.
Taking sides can imply that you are showing favoritism between blood-grandchildren and step-grandchildren. Therefore, it is very important to show both your blood grandchildren and your step-grandchildren love, affection, and attention.
Naturally, circumstances may vary due to step-grandparents relationship with the grandchildren’s parents. Also, if you live near your grandchildren or step-children you may see them more frequently and establish a closer bond than grandchildren who live far away.
Regardless of the situation, staying neutral and not showing favoritism between grandchildren and step-grandchildren will help build stronger connections within the family. Grandparents and step-grandparents should value and honor the uniqueness each grandchild has to offer.
As a grandparent or step-grandparent, it is our time to enjoy and appreciate the similarities and the differences our grandchildren have.
If you are raising a step-grandchild, enjoy the relationship. Provide your step-grandchild extra attention and affection they may be yearning for. Step-grandparents have the opportunity to be bonus grandparents that step-grandchildren can bond with on a different level. Show praise!
Step-grandparents may also possess more patience and a sense of calm toward their step-grandchildren. Appreciating and building the step-grandparent/step-grandchild relationship may truly benefit a deep connection with each other now and in the future.
For additional tips, ideas & suggestions see 9 HELPFUL SUGGESTIONS WHEN RAISING GRANDCHILDREN: and THE JOYS AND EXHAUSTION OF PARENTING GRANDCHILDREN.
7. Should Step-Grandchildren Be Included in Step-Grandparents Will?
Preparing a Last Will and Testament is a very individual decision. Determining beneficiaries for a Will must be named and established.
Many step-parents and step-grandparents may be extremely close to their extended family and plan to leave something for them in their Will. However, that may not be the case in all families.
Keep in mind, that laws can change from state to state and country to country when determining who is a “child” and who is a “descendant”.
Therefore, if an individual has step-children or step-grandchildren they want to include in their Will, it is best for those to be specifically written by name in the Will.
If individuals are not explicitly named in a Will, the Will could be contested in a court of law.
To avoid misunderstandings in the step-parent/step-grandparents intended wishes, be sure to include very clear and specific instructions for the executor and the courts to uphold.
If you are looking for more information go to AARP.
Special Grandparent & Step-Grandparent Bonds
Truly, being a grandparent or a step-parent is very special. Grand-parenting offers a wonderful opportunity to grow family relationships and bonds. Being open and honest are important factors in all family connections.
Thus, for step-grandparents, asking these 7 serious questions can help build appreciation for all family members, regardless if they are step or blood-related.
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TIPS, IDEAS & SUGGESTIONS FOR STEP-GRANDPARENTS
- Practice the art of listening! Always listen closely before responding.
- When responding, be kind. Do not overreact or be negative.
- Refrain from disciplining! Your role as a step-grandparent typically does not include disciplining. If necessary, make suggestions or corrections, but refrain from disciplining.
- Show love, kindness, and affection. All children, regardless of their age need these. Be sure to express them whenever possible.
- Give them your attention. Don’t ignore or dismiss step-grandchildren. Show them you care by giving them your attention when possible.
