See Below: Tips, Ideas & Suggestions for NOT Becoming a Toxic Grandparents
Below are 7 Red Flags of Toxic Grandparents. Parents should review this list to determine if their child’s grandparents’ actions and behaviors are toxic.
Grandparent Qualities
Grandparents are thought to be a family gift. Treasures for new parents to turn to for support during times of parental frustration and need. But what if grandparents are not the “blessing” that many new parents expect?
What if your parent/s, or your partner’s parent/s are toxic and create havoc and tension in your relationship and with your children? What happens when parents notice negativity in grandparents’ behaviors toward their grandchildren; and begin to feel concerned?
Honestly, these are all concerning questions for parents to ask themselves and each other. And, if these red flags are occurring in your grandparent/grandchild relationship, it may be time to take action.
Still, giving grandparents the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they don’t realize how toxic their actions can have on their grandchildren. So, openly addressing your parental concerns may be difficult, but necessary.
Here Are 7 Red Flags to Determine Toxic Grandparents
1. Disregarding Parents’ Rules of Punishment or Discipline
Parenting has evolved over the decades. Many new parents enroll in parenting classes and deeply study parenthood through books or online information.
Additionally, discipline actions have progressed over the years. Professionals encourage parents to talk to children and try to reason with them before reacting or overreacting.
When raising children, parenting guidelines do not support physical discipline or spanking. Mental, physical and psychological discipline is NEVER an option and is considered abusive rather than disciplinary.
Therefore, parents make dedicated efforts to discipline children using other methods. Today’s parents may feel enforcing time outs for young children or other consequences yields more effective results rather than any type of physical or corporal punishment.
This leads me to the 1st Red Flag of Toxic Grandparents:
Most likely grandparents raised their children in the “children should be seen and not heard” era. With that, some grandparents may believe they are helping when disciplining your child.
However, if grandparents have been informed and are well aware that spanking is not permitted, nor expected, they SHOULD NOT take it upon themselves to spank your child.
Spanking includes a slap of the hand (you probably remember getting a slapped hand when reaching out for something you were not allowed to touch) or any other type or physical punishment.
If grandparents are not respecting your rules about discipline or punishment, you must take a stand with them. Regardless of the uncomfortable conversation. BE HONEST AND FIRM!!
2. Disagreeing with Parenting Skills and Rules
Conversely, grandparents may not understand or agree with your parenting rules. If so, grandparents could disagree and question the parenting skills of their children and children in-laws.
Questioning your parenting skills may also be a major part of the concern around parents’ punishment or discipline rules.
This may cause tension between parents and grandparents. Since grandparents raised their children with different beliefs and circumstances, they may not be willing to think they are wrong about their parenting skills.
Often times grandparents do not or will not admit to any wrongdoing as parents. Grandparents may refuse to see or acknowledge any of their personal parenting downfalls but may be quick to point out yours.
Therefore, Red Flag #2 for toxic grandparents is not respecting your parenting skills and rules with your children.
Again, grandparents may not believe their parenting rules were wrong, but you do not need to change your parenting styles for them.
Regardless of what grandparents believe, allowing kids to “go out and play all day until the street lights come on”, is NOT safe or protective parenting. New times, new rules!!!! Hold your ground!!
3. Choosing Favorite Grandchildren
As parents, we are careful to love all of our children equally. Of course, parents understand children’s differences. Typically, parents focus on bringing out the best in each child and appreciating them for their individual qualities.
If grandparents decide that one grandchild is more “special” than another, it can make other grandchildren feel like an outcast.
For example, if a grandchild is named after a grandparent or has the same traits, red hair, green eyes, or athletic, they may show more attention or affection to that child.
Showing a grandchild favoritism is not only difficult for other grandchildren to understand but is upsetting to parents.
Parents feel all of their children are special and unique. It may be problematic in many ways if grandparents are favoring one grandchild over others.
So, Red Flag #3 of Toxic Grandparents is Favoritism
If you notice grandparents showing obvious favoritism toward one child and not others, you should bring it to their attention.
4. Criticizing, Insulting or Teasing Grandchildren
Not all grandparents are tactful or understanding of children’s feelings. Therefore, toxic grandparents may criticize or insult your child without thinking about it or batting an eye.
They truly may not recognize the harm they are doing by telling them information that can be hurtful.
For example, they may not understand new fashion or fads, so they could insult a grandchildren’s clothing or hairstyle choice. Toxic grandparents could also criticize a grandchild’s performance in school or in sports.
Oftentimes, criticism and insults are given in a teasing form but are still given and received negatively. If “teasing” is only funny for the one who is “teasing”, the outcome is more insulting and not funny at all.
Some grandparents and/or older adults don’t fully understand the impact their personal humor can have on children.
With That, Red Flag #4 is Criticizing, Insulting or Teasing Grandchildren
This type of behavior is definitely toxic and must be addressed immediately by parents. Grandparents must be stopped from giving any insults, criticism, or teasing to their grandchildren.
If grandparents cannot refrain from these actions, they may need to be separated from their grandchildren until they truly understand the ramifications of their negative behavior.
5. Giving Unwanted Advice
I’d like to think that grandparents want the best for their children and their grandchildren. So, when they share their personal advice, they are hopefully doing it out of love or out of kindness.
However, with different generational approaches to parenting, many parents are not seeking advice from grandparents.
Typically, parents are looking for support from grandparents. But support honestly means supporting the parent’s decisions, NOT giving unsolicited advice.
IF parents inquire or ask for advice from a grandparent, they can share their opinions, without expectation, they will be followed. Sharing ideas and information about raising children is a team effort.
Parents, do not feel you need to accept unwanted advice from anyone, including grandparents. You know what’s best for your children!
Therefore, Red Flag #5 Another Toxic Grandparents Behavior is Giving Unwanted or Unsolicited Advice
Parents don’t allow it!! Grandparents, refrain from doing it!!
6. Manipulation and Guilt
Some grandparents have a way of making parents and grandchildren feel guilty for many things. This behavior may include various forms of manipulation from grandparents.
Yes, it is important for parents to involve grandparents, if possible. But, if grandparents disrupt the family dynamic, through guilt or manipulation, parents may not want to include them.
Grandparents, remember that parents of growing children are extremely busy with a long daily “to do” list. Parents may want grandparents to be part of their children’s lives and activities, but often times schedules may not allow time to advise grandparents about everyday activities.
Truthfully, grandparents should not make parents or grandchildren feel guilty for any scheduling oversights. Parents are busy! Therefore, grandparents need to take responsibility to keep track of activities and/or events they want to attend.
So, for Red Flag #6 to Determine Toxic Grandparents, is with Manipulation and Guilt
If grandparents want to be involved, it’s important they stay connected on their own and not try to manipulate or guilt parents and grandchildren in any way.
7. Using Money to Buy Love
Oftentimes grandparents do not know what to do for grandchildren, so they spend money on them. Grandparents may purchase items that grandchildren do not need and parents don’t want them to have.
Buying for grandchildren may make grandparents feel that they are “doing” for their grandchildren. Spending money on grandchildren may give grandparents a way to show their love.
However, grandparents may use their power of money to control grandchildren. They may purchase gifts for grandchildren that are against their parents’ wishes or approval.
Lastly, Red Flag #7 is Using Money to Buy Love
Toxic grandparents may shower grandchildren with money and gifts in order to dominate and manipulate their decisions.
Although grandparents may know they are crossing parental boundaries, it may make them feel loved, so they do it anyway.
Buying grandchildren’s love is a toxic grandparent behavior that should not be tolerated. If parents see this, they need to put an end to this type of toxic grandparent behavior.
Taking a Stand Against Toxic Grandparents
In the end, it is important for parents to look out for these 7 Red Flags of Toxic Grandparents conduct.
Although grandparents might feel they are helping, these toxic behaviors could cause more harm than good to their grandchildren.
Parents, keep your eye out for any of this toxic grandparent behavior. If you see any of these red flags, be strong and address the issue immediately. Your children, and perhaps even the grandparents, will be happy you did!
To learn more about keeping grand-parenting boundaries, look for books, audiobooks, or ebooks at:
This post may include affiliate links, which means I will receive a small commission if you purchase through my link, at no additional cost to you. For full disclosure read here.
Tip, Ideas & Suggestions for NOT Becoming a Toxic Grandparents
- Respect your children. They are your grandchildren’s parents and THEY ARE IN CHARGE of all decision-making.
- DO NOT discipline your grandchild without knowing the parents’ rules and guidelines.
- NEVER spank or slap your grandchild! Regardless of the situation, physical punishment is not a grandparent’s responsibility and should NEVER be applied.
- Do not laugh, tease, insult or criticize grandchildren. Children are sensitive and their feelings are often hurt very easily.
- Get approval from parents before making a purchase for your grandchild. Parents should decide if it is ok for their children to have whatever they want to buy them. Ask parents first before buying.
(Of course, if you are raising grandkids, you are “the parent”, therefore, these suggestions may not apply. However, if parents are in your grandchildren’s lives, be considerate and refrain from being a toxic grandparents. See THE JOYS AND EXHAUSTION OF PARENTING GRANDCHILDREN )
