Getting Custody of a Grandchild or NOT an Easy Decision!
See Below: TIPS, IDEAS & SUGGESTIONS FOR HOW TO GET CUSTODY OF A GRANDCHILD OR CHILD
Getting legal custody of a grandchild is not an easy decision, but usually a very necessary and important decision for them and your family.
In my situation, my daughter struggled for many years with mental health issues and addiction to both drugs and alcohol.
As a teenager, I took her to therapy, found an alternative school for support, and did what I thought was best to help her through her challenges.
Sadly, as she struggled, I didn’t know what to do or where I should go for the support and guidance she really needed, but I tried.
I had four younger children at home to take care of, so I didn’t always provide the focus or attention my oldest daughter needed. I have many regrets for my actions at that time and I wish I could redo many of my decisions, but obviously, I can’t.
Gaining Custody of a Grandchild or Child
Parents Mental Health Struggles
After my daughter dropped out of college, she went through various stages of mental health challenges and ordeals of self-medicating and distancing herself from the family, etc. At one point, when she returned home from one of her getaways, she asked for my guidance and she agreed to go into a rehabilitation facility.
While in rehab, she met a young man who eventually became the father of both of her children. Their relationship was on again, off again for many years. While they both found small pieces of sobriety in their relationship, neither of them could commit their daily lives to stay sober and fully caring for their kids.
For more therapy for children support see SUPPORT SERVICES FOR CHILDREN LIVING WITH GRANDPARENTS.
For mental health support, reach out to Talkspace for information.
Life Changes for Custodial Grandparents
Shamefully, it is hard to admit that your child is unable to care for her own children, your grandchildren. It is hard to admit to friends, family, school, work, church, etc. that you have gained custody of a grandchild or grandchildren, due to the behaviors of their parent(s), your daughter. That’s hard!!!
Honestly, I have friends & family who are still angry with my daughter for not being responsible enough to raise her own children and putting me in that predicament. But these are my grandchildren. If I didn’t take them, where would that leave them? Foster care? Living a dysfunctional life with dysfunctional parents? It was a hard decision, but I knew it was the only decision I could make for the children.
My husband and I had already raised five children, supported them through college, and watched them find success in their own careers. I certainly wasn’t looking to raise more children or take custody of a grandchild or grandchildren. Honestly, I hadn’t even had enough time to enjoy being an empty nester. But, off I went to court looking to gain custody of a grandchild…actually of both of my grandchildren!
Why Are So Many Grandparents Raising Grandchildren?
Grandparents are raising their grandchildren for a number of reasons. Yet, it is noted that these numbers have increased over the past 10 years due to the opioid crisis.
AARP states several reasons why grandparents end up raising grandchildren, such as:
- Drugs and alcohol addictions
- Incarceration of a parent or parents
- Violence and abuse
- Death of a parent or parents
- Mental illness
- Poverty
- Divorce
- Military deployment
- Teen Pregnancy
Other reasons for grandparents raising grandkids may include:
- Substance abuse
- Child abuse and neglect
- Physical illness or disease
- Disabled children
- Abandonment
Seeking Custody of a Grandchild
Before I knew it, I was in an emergency family courtroom seeking legal custody of my 12-year-old grandson, who is on the autism spectrum, and my 8-year-old year granddaughter, with Attention Deficient Hyperactive Disorder, ADHD.
My adult children encouraged me to seek legal custody, offering their support. But in the end, I was alone in the courthouse filling out piles of paperwork in my name to request sole legal custody of my two grandchildren.
Truly, I recall feeling pride and remorse at the exact same time. Taking sole legal custody of a grandchild or a child creates a variety of unexplained emotions within our hearts and souls. It’s a necessary responsibility filled with questions and concerns for everyone present and everyone’s future. A whirlwind of internal feelings!
Custodial Outcomes When Getting Custody of a Grandchild or Child
While I was seeking custody, my daughter, their mother, was in a Psychiatric unit after months of drug use and her own conspiracy therapies of abduction. Their father’s whereabouts were unknown. So that day in the courthouse I became their sole legal guardian.
Truthfully, I didn’t know how difficult and different raising grandkids would be from raising my own kids. Gaining custody of a grandchild or a child is definitely not an easy decision! But, I would learn, and I am continuing to learn the challenges.
Almost six years later, their mom, my daughter is sober and back in their lives on a visitation basis. They see their Dad too, although on a much less frequent basis.
Nonetheless, I am extremely grateful they have an ongoing relationship with their parents. However, I will always be my grandchildren’s foundation for as long as they need me.
All in all, the struggles continue. Quarantining during COVID-19 was brutal, but we kept going, kept learning, and kept loving each other through the challenges and chaos!!
Problems Grandparents Raising Grandchildren May Face
Sleeplessness:
Many grandparents are raising grandchildren who are babies or very young. These children typically have not established a steady and/or consistent sleep pattern.
Often younger children, such as my granddaughter, may experience fears and night terrors. They may become overwhelmed and frightened in the middle of the night. Therefore, you may be waking up several times throughout the night to comfort them back to sleep.
Sleep is extremely important to children and to grandparents raising grandkids in order to maintain their busy daily schedules.
Exhaustion:
Of course, if you’re not getting enough sleep, you will feel exhausted. But, honestly, the feeling of exhaustion extends much further than sleep.
Without sleep, you may feel mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted by the end of the day when raising grandkids. For me, both of my grandchildren have special needs, one is on the autism spectrum, and the other has ADHD, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, so daily life can be exhausting!
Adding school and extracurricular activities to daily routines also increases the amount of exhaustion! Plus, as a grandparent, it’s difficult trying to keep up with 30 or 40-something-year-old moms. It’s EXHAUSTING!!!
Loneliness:
I missed my outings, my friends, my freedom, and my other life. I was really, really lonely and felt stuck. Honestly, my friends didn’t truly understand my situation and many of them had negative feelings toward my daughter (my grandkids mom).
I had negative feelings too! But, I didn’t openly talk about it because I knew I couldn’t change the situation I was facing at that time. So, I did and continue to do what I need to do for my grandkids.
And over the years both they and their mother, my daughter, continue to improve and develop, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Isolation:
Along with loneliness comes isolation. Yes, you can be and feel lonely without being isolated. But, when you’re a grandparent in your 50’s and 60’s raising grandchildren, people notice.
Privacy:
Before gaining custody of a grandchild or grandchildren, which I jokingly refer to as BK, “before kids”, I was a night owl. Always stayed up late, and woke up early. That was my routine throughout my life.
But my routine had to change. I needed to lay with my granddaughter every night in order for her to fall asleep. We’d read together and even practice some meditation strategies we learned. I enjoyed being with her, but I lost a lot of my privacy and the alone time I desperately needed!
Are You Getting Custody of a Grandchild or Child? If so:
- What are your struggles?
- What suggestions can you share?
- How do you manage everything with your children or grandchildren?
I’d love to hear from other parents and grandparents in similar situations. Please reach out and let’s discuss how you handle your chaos! I’m looking forward to hearing from you.
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TIPS, IDEAS & SUGGESTIONS FOR GETTING CUSTODY OF A CHILD OR GRANDCHILD
- Custody paperwork can be completed at the courthouse. Ask for the correct department at your local courthouse to determine which documents you will need to complete.
- Lawyers are not generally needed to complete paperwork to get custody of your children or grandchildren. Save your money for other filing costs instead of hiring a lawyer, if possible. (This is only a suggestion. I am not giving legal advice since I am not a lawyer. Also, I was not in dispute over custody, so legal representation was not needed when I gained custody)
- Be prepared to write several checks for various filing fees. Fees can total several hundred dollars, Be prepared before going to the courthouse to pay different fees for different departmental costs.
- Be sure to have identification for yourself and your children or grandchildren if possible. You will be asked to complete information with age, birth dates, addresses and more for each child.
- Allow several hours to complete the custody process. There is A LOT of paperwork needed to be viewed and verified. Much of the paperwork will be directed to different location in the courthouse. The process is typically very slow and time consuming, but you will get through it all. Be patient!
- Getting the paperwork completed is the first step of gaining custody. After completing all necessary custody paperwork, you will be scheduled to return to the courthouse to go before a Judge or a Master to hear your case.
