Maintaining a healthy relationship while raising grandkids can be challenging. Discover loving ways to protect your marriage, intimacy, and family connection.
There is something I have learned over the years that I never expected to learn quite this way:
Raising grandchildren can change almost everything.
It can change your routines, your priorities, your energy, your home, your finances, your friendships—and sometimes, quietly and gradually, it can change your relationship with your spouse.
When my husband and I found ourselves raising our grandchildren, we loved them deeply. We wanted to give them a safe, loving, stable home, and we would do whatever we could to make that happen.
But there was another relationship we had to remember to care for, too.
Ours.
Maintaining a healthy relationship while raising grandkids isn’t always easy. There are days when the children need so much of us that there seems to be very little left for each other.
And sometimes, you don’t even realize how disconnected you’ve become until you look at each other and think, When was the last time we actually had time for us?
I think maintaining a healthy relationship while raising grandkids is a balancing act of love, compassion, patience, understanding, and caring—for your grandchildren and for each other.
Raising Grandkids Can Change Your Relationship
When you raise your own children, you generally expect the parenting years to eventually end.
You raise them, they grow up, they become independent, and you eventually have more freedom to focus on yourself and your marriage.
But when grandchildren come into your home and you become their primary caregiver, you may suddenly find yourself starting that journey all over again.
Only this time, you’re older.
Your energy may not be what it was when you were raising your own children. Your body may not cooperate the way it once did. You may have already imagined what your later years would look like.
And then life takes a completely different direction.
You Become Parents Again
There can be something beautiful about becoming the person your grandchildren can depend on.
But it can also be exhausting.
There are school schedules, homework, appointments, meals, discipline, activities, emotional needs, technology, teenage attitudes, and all of the everyday responsibilities that come with raising children.
Sometimes my husband and I can spend an entire day talking about the kids without actually talking about us.
Did they get their homework done?
Did they eat?
Did they get where they needed to go?
Did they behave at school?
What time are we picking them up?
What’s happening tomorrow?
And before you know it, the day is over.
We are exhausted.
And our relationship has been pushed to the bottom of the list once again.
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship Requires Alone Time
One of the hardest things about raising grandchildren can be finding time to simply be a couple.
Not MomMom.
Not PopPop.
Not caregivers.
Just husband and wife.
Where Did Our Alone Time Go?
When children live in your home, privacy can become something you have to intentionally create.
There may always be someone awake.
Someone needs something.
Someone wants to talk.
Someone needs a ride.
Someone has a problem.
Someone needs help.
And sometimes, by the time everyone else is settled, you are simply too tired to do anything except sit on the couch and stare at each other.
There have certainly been times when my husband and I have had to remind ourselves:
We need time together, too.
It doesn’t have to be an expensive dinner or a weekend away.
Sometimes maintaining a healthy relationship means sitting together after the kids go to bed.
Taking a walk.
Having coffee together.
Watching a favorite television show.
Going for a drive.
Talking about something other than the children.
Or simply sitting quietly beside each other.
Those little moments matter.
Don’t Wait for the Perfect Opportunity
I’ve learned that if we wait for the perfect opportunity to spend time together, we may be waiting a very long time.
Life with children rarely becomes completely quiet.
So sometimes you have to make the time.
Even fifteen minutes can make a difference.
Put the phones away.
Sit together.
Ask each other how you’re really doing.
And most importantly, listen.
What About Intimacy When You’re Raising Grandkids?
This is something I think many grandparents experience but may be uncomfortable talking about.
When you’re raising grandchildren, intimacy can change.
And intimacy isn’t only about sex.
It can be holding hands.
A hug.
A kiss.
Sitting close together.
A gentle touch as you walk past one another.
Feeling emotionally connected.
Feeling wanted.
Feeling like you’re still partners—not just two people managing a household.
Lack of Privacy Can Affect Intimacy
When children are living in your home, especially older children or teenagers, privacy can become difficult.
You may have different schedules.
Different bedtimes.
Different responsibilities.
And sometimes there simply isn’t much opportunity to be alone.
Then add exhaustion, stress, worry, and the emotional demands of raising grandchildren, and intimacy can easily get pushed aside.
Not because you don’t love your spouse.
Not because you don’t care.
But because you’re tired.
And sometimes tiredness becomes the default.
Talk About It Without Blame
If you and your spouse are experiencing a lack of intimacy, try not to turn it into another argument.
Instead, talk about it with kindness.
You might simply say:
“I miss feeling close to you.”
That statement can open a very different conversation than:
“We never spend time together anymore.”
Maintaining a healthy relationship means being able to talk about difficult things without making the other person feel attacked.
You are on the same team.
The goal isn’t to assign blame.
The goal is to find your way back to each other.
For more ideas for maintaining a healthy relationship, check out these other great date night ideas to keep the spark alive! These are all FUN and EXCITING Mom’s (and Dad’s Date) Night Out Ideas!
Don’t Let Resentment Take Over
I think resentment can sneak into a relationship very quietly.
One person may feel like they are doing more.
The other may feel unappreciated.
One may be more involved with school and appointments.
The other may be handling finances, work, household responsibilities, or discipline.
And both people can eventually start thinking:
“I’m doing everything.”
That’s dangerous territory for any relationship.
Remember That You’re Both Giving Something Up
Raising grandchildren can require sacrifices from both spouses.
Maybe one person gave up more freedom.
Maybe another gave up career opportunities.
Maybe vacations became less frequent.
Maybe retirement plans changed.
Maybe the home you imagined enjoying together now has backpacks, school papers, laundry, and teenagers everywhere.
It’s okay to acknowledge those sacrifices.
But try not to keep score.
You don’t want your marriage to become a competition over who has sacrificed more.
Instead, remind yourselves:
We chose to help these children. We’re doing this together.
That doesn’t mean every day will feel easy.
It simply means you’re trying to remember that you’re partners in this journey.
Never Argue in Front of the Grandchildren
This is an area where I feel especially strongly.
Disagreements happen.
No two people are going to agree on everything—especially when you’re raising children together.
But whenever possible, try to keep serious arguments away from the grandchildren.
Children Shouldn’t Become Part of Adult Problems
Grandchildren should not feel responsible for problems between the adults raising them.
They shouldn’t feel that they have to choose sides.
They shouldn’t feel guilty because Grandma and Grandpa are stressed.
And they shouldn’t believe that somehow their presence has caused problems in your marriage.
Even if you’re frustrated, try to remember:
The children are watching.
They may not understand everything being said, but they can feel tension.
They can hear raised voices.
They can sense anger.
And they can sometimes assume responsibility for things that have absolutely nothing to do with them.
Never Make the Children Feel Like a Burden
This one can be difficult because raising grandchildren can be incredibly hard.
You are allowed to be tired.
You are allowed to feel overwhelmed.
You are allowed to have difficult days.
You are allowed to privately admit, “This is really hard.”
But the grandchildren shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for needing you.
They didn’t necessarily choose this situation either.
If possible, find a private place to have difficult conversations with your spouse.
And if emotions get heated, take a break.
Come back to the conversation when everyone is calmer.
Don’t Use the Grandchildren as Messengers
When spouses disagree, it can be tempting to say things such as:
“Tell PopPop…”
or
“Your grandmother thinks…”
or
“If your grandfather would just…”
Try not to put the children in the middle.
They shouldn’t have to carry messages between adults.
They shouldn’t become the referee.
And they shouldn’t feel responsible for keeping peace between their grandparents.
Maintaining a healthy relationship means working through disagreements directly with your spouse whenever possible.
Give Each Other Grace
This may be one of the most important lessons I’ve learned.
Give each other grace.
Your spouse may be tired.
You may be tired.
You may both be overwhelmed.
You may not always respond to each other in the way you wish you had.
Sometimes you’re going to snap.
Sometimes you’re going to misunderstand each other.
Sometimes one of you will need more support than the other.
That’s life.
Say “I’m Sorry”
Two little words can be surprisingly powerful.
“I’m sorry.”
Not:
“I’m sorry, but you…”
Just:
“I’m sorry.”
And sometimes the other person needs to hear:
“I know this is hard.”
“I appreciate what you’re doing.”
“Thank you.”
“We’re going to get through this.”
Those words can mean more than we realize.
Remember Why You Started
There may be days when raising grandchildren feels like an enormous responsibility.
Because it is.
But somewhere underneath all the appointments, schedules, arguments, laundry, homework, technology, exhaustion, and worry is something very important:
Love.
You are doing this because these children matter.
But your marriage matters, too.
Maintaining a healthy relationship doesn’t mean putting your spouse before your grandchildren every moment.
And it doesn’t mean putting your grandchildren before your spouse every moment.
It means recognizing that both relationships need love and care.
Maintaining a Healthy Relationship Is a Balancing Act
I don’t think there is a perfect formula for maintaining a healthy relationship while raising grandkids.
Every family is different.
Every marriage is different.
Every situation is different.
Some days you will find the balance.
Other days, you won’t.
And that’s okay.
What matters is that you keep trying.
Keep talking.
Keep listening.
Keep showing appreciation.
Keep finding little moments to connect.
And when disagreements happen, try to protect the children from the conflict.
Most importantly, don’t forget that you and your spouse are people, too.
You deserve companionship.
You deserve affection.
You deserve laughter.
You deserve time together.
And you deserve to remember what it felt like to be a couple before you became caregivers.
Take Care of the Love That Started It All
When you’re raising grandchildren, it can be easy to become so focused on caring for everyone else that you forget to care for the person standing beside you.
So every once in a while, stop.
Look at your spouse.
Remember the life you built together.
Remember the years before grandchildren.
Remember the reasons you fell in love.
And then look at the life you’re living now.
It may not be the life you planned.
But perhaps there is still something beautiful about the life you’ve been given.
You’re Still a Couple
Being grandparents raising grandchildren doesn’t erase who you were before.
You’re still husband and wife.
You’re still partners.
You’re still two people who need love, encouragement, affection, laughter, patience, and understanding.
And sometimes maintaining a healthy relationship means simply reaching across the chaos and saying:
“I’m still here. I love you. We’re in this together.”
Because raising grandchildren can be one of the hardest things we’ve ever done.
But it can also be one of the most meaningful.
And I believe we can care for our grandchildren with everything we have while also remembering to care for the person we promised to walk through life with.
Maintaining a healthy relationship while raising grandkids is a balancing act of love, compassion, and caring—for our grandchildren and for each other.
And sometimes, that balance begins with something very simple:
Don’t forget each other.
For a deeper dive into balance and maintaining healthy relationships, check out these 5 Free Ideas on How to Calm Your Mind
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