Raising a child with special needs has taught me lessons I never expected to learn—not just about children, but about patience, understanding, advocacy, love, and myself.
When I became MomMom to my grandchildren, I thought I had already learned most of what I needed to know about raising children. After all, I had raised five children of my own.
Then life handed me a very different parenting experience.
I found myself raising my two oldest grandchildren, both of whom have their own unique needs and challenges. Suddenly, I was learning that raising children isn’t simply about knowing what worked with your own kids. Sometimes you have to throw out what you thought you knew and start looking at the child standing in front of you.
Raising a child with special needs has taught me that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all parenting manual.
What works beautifully for one child may completely fail with another.
And sometimes, the biggest lesson is realizing that what looks like defiance, laziness, disrespect, or carelessness may actually be a child struggling with something we cannot see.
What Raising a Child With Special Needs Has Taught Me
I have shared some of these lessons before in my post, “Suggestions for Raising Spectacular Kids with Special Needs.” I also created a video called “Raising Kids with Special Needs” because I know firsthand how overwhelming it can feel when you are trying to figure out what your child needs while also trying to be the best caregiver you can be.
But the more years I spend raising a child with special needs, the more I realize that many of the most important lessons aren’t complicated.
Sometimes they are surprisingly simple.
Be Patient—Even When It’s Hard
I will be the first to admit that patience has not always been my strongest quality.
I’m a mom. I’m a grandmother. And yes, sometimes I can be a yeller!
But raising a child with special needs has taught me something very important: losing my patience rarely produces the result I want.
In fact, quite the opposite can happen.
When a child is already overwhelmed, frustrated, confused, overstimulated, or unable to process what is happening around them, an angry voice can add another layer to an already difficult situation.
Sometimes You Have to Stop Before You Respond
I’ve learned that sometimes I need to take a breath before responding.
I may be frustrated.
I may be tired.
I may have already asked the same thing three times.
But that doesn’t necessarily mean the child is deliberately ignoring me.
Sometimes I need to remind myself:
“MomMom, slow down. Think about what this child is experiencing.”
That little pause can change everything.
Stay Calm When Things Escalate
This one is closely connected to patience.
I know from personal experience that when I lose my cool, I can make a situation much bigger than it needs to be.
When I raise my voice, the child may raise theirs.
When I become frustrated, they may become more frustrated.
Before long, everyone is upset and nobody is solving the original problem.
Your Tone Matters
One of the most valuable things I’ve learned while raising a child with special needs is that my tone can influence the tone of the entire situation.
That doesn’t mean I never get frustrated.
It means I’ve learned that how I communicate matters just as much as what I’m communicating.
A calm voice, simple words, and a little extra time can sometimes accomplish what yelling never could.
And believe me—I know how difficult that can be!
When You Feel Yourself Getting Angry
If you’re raising a child with special needs and feel yourself reaching your limit, give yourself permission to pause.
Take a breath.
Lower your voice.
Give yourself and the child a moment.
Sometimes stepping away for a minute is better than continuing an argument that isn’t going anywhere.
Stop Expecting Perfection
This may be one of the hardest lessons for parents and grandparents to learn.
We have expectations.
We want our children to listen.
We want them to remember.
We want them to clean up after themselves.
We want them to complete simple tasks without being reminded twenty times.
But raising a child with special needs can require us to rethink what we consider “simple.”
What Seems Obvious to Us May Not Be Obvious to Them
I’ve learned that things that seem completely obvious to me may not be obvious to a child with ADHD, PDA, autism, or other developmental differences.
I might look around the room and immediately see:
- Clothes on the floor
- Trash beside the trash can
- An open drawer
- A backpack sitting in the middle of the room
- Shoes that need to be put away
To me, these things are obvious.
But sometimes they simply aren’t registering for the child.
I’ve jokingly learned to think of some of these things as being “invisible.”
The child isn’t necessarily looking at the mess and thinking, “I’m not going to clean that up.”
They may genuinely not be processing it in the same way I am.
Be Specific With Instructions
Instead of saying:
“Clean your room.”
I may need to say:
“Please put your clothes in the hamper, put your shoes in the closet, throw the trash in the garbage can, and put your books on the shelf.”
That’s a very different instruction.
Break Big Tasks Into Small Steps
When raising a child with special needs, breaking a large task into smaller steps can make an enormous difference.
Rather than expecting a child to automatically know what “clean your room” means, explain exactly what needs to happen.
Lists can help.
Visual reminders, such as graphs and pictures, can help.
Gentle reminders can help.
And sometimes, repeating yourself is simply part of the process.
That doesn’t mean you’re failing as a parent.
It means you’re helping your child learn.
Show Affection in a Way Your Child Understands
Every child needs to feel loved.
But children don’t all experience affection in exactly the same way.
A hug might feel wonderful to one child and uncomfortable to another.
A kiss on the forehead might make one child smile while another pulls away.
Find Their Way of Receiving Love
When raising a child with special needs, pay attention to what makes your child comfortable.
Maybe it’s a hug.
Maybe it’s a gentle touch on the shoulder.
Maybe it’s sitting beside them.
Maybe it’s telling them, “I’m proud of you.”
Maybe it’s simply spending quiet time together.
The important thing is to find ways to communicate:
“I love you. I see you. I’m here for you.”
Even when behavior is difficult, the child still needs to know they are loved.
Listen to Your Child
This is another lesson that I believe every parent and grandparent should remember.
Sometimes adults talk about children instead of talking with them.
I’ve seen how easy it is to have conversations about what a child needs, what they’re doing wrong, what happened at school, or what needs to change—without actually giving the child an opportunity to speak.
Give Them a Voice
When raising a child with special needs, listening may take more time.
The child may need extra time to process a question.
They may have difficulty explaining exactly what they mean.
They may communicate differently.
They may become frustrated because they can’t find the right words.
Don’t automatically assume that means they don’t have an opinion.
Slow Down and Really Listen
Sometimes we need to go back to that first lesson:
Be patient.
Give them time.
Don’t finish their sentences.
Don’t immediately correct them.
Don’t dismiss their feelings simply because their response isn’t what you expected.
They deserve to be heard.
Advocate for Your Child
This is one of the areas where I have become especially passionate.
Children with special needs may not always understand what they need in order to succeed.
Sometimes we have to be their voice until they learn how to advocate for themselves.
Pay Attention to What Your Child Is Telling You
Maybe your child becomes overwhelmed in a noisy classroom.
Maybe they cannot concentrate when there are too many distractions.
Maybe they need a quiet place to complete an assignment or test.
Maybe they become overstimulated and need a break.
These aren’t necessarily signs that a child doesn’t want to participate.
Sometimes they are signs that the environment isn’t meeting the child’s needs.
Become Your Child’s Advocate at School
If your child has an IEP or a 504 Plan, learn what is included in that plan and communicate with the school. See: What is an IEP Plan? Does My Struggling Child Need One?
Ask questions.
Keep records.
Attend meetings.
Speak up when something doesn’t seem right.
And don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
You Don’t Have to Know Everything
One of the most important things I’ve learned about raising a child with specialneeds is that I don’t have to know everything.
I simply need to be willing to learn.
Talk to teachers.
Talk to counselors.
Talk to qualified professionals.
Ask questions.
Research.
And most importantly, pay attention to the child.
You know your child in ways that other people may not.
Your observations matter.
Don’t Compare Your Child to Other Children
This one can be difficult.
We naturally compare.
We look at another child who seems to be doing something easily and wonder why our child is struggling.
But comparison can quickly steal the joy out of parenting.
Your Child’s Journey Is Their Own
Raising a child with special needs means understanding that development may not always happen according to the timeline we expected.
Progress may come slowly.
There may be setbacks.
There may be days when something works beautifully and other days when it doesn’t work at all.
Celebrate the progress.
Even the small victories.
Sometimes what looks like a tiny accomplishment to someone else can be a HUGE accomplishment for your child.
And those moments deserve to be celebrated.
Give Yourself Grace, Too
This may be the lesson I wish someone had emphasized to me sooner.
When you’re raising a child with special needs, it is very easy to focus on what you’re doing wrong.
You wonder:
Am I being patient enough?
Am I advocating enough?
Am I doing enough?
Should I have handled that differently?
I have asked myself those questions more times than I can count.
You Are Learning Too
Parents and grandparents are learning right alongside their children.
There will be good days.
There will be exhausting days.
There will be days when you feel like you handled everything perfectly.
And there will be days when you go to bed thinking:
“Well…that didn’t go exactly as planned.”
That’s okay.
Tomorrow is another day.
Give Yourself the Same Grace You Give Your Child
We tell our children that mistakes are part of learning.
We need to remember that applies to us, too.
You don’t have to be a perfect parent.
You don’t have to have every answer.
You don’t have to handle every situation perfectly.
You simply need to keep learning, keep loving, and keep showing up.
Raising a Child With Special Needs Has Changed Me
I started this journey thinking I knew a lot about parenting because I had already raised five children.
I quickly learned that raising a child with special needs would teach me things my younger parenting years never could.
It has taught me to slow down.
It has taught me to listen.
It has taught me that behavior doesn’t always tell the whole story.
It has taught me to look beyond what I see and ask:
“What is this child trying to communicate?”
Most importantly, it has taught me that every child deserves to be understood—not simply managed.
What I Want Other Parents and Grandparents to Know
If you’re raising a child with special needs, I want you to know something from one parent and grandparent to another:
You are not alone.
There will be days when you feel exhausted.
There will be days when you question yourself.
There will be days when you wonder if you’re doing enough.
Please remember that asking for help doesn’t make you a bad parent or grandparent.
Learning doesn’t mean you failed.
Changing your approach doesn’t mean you were wrong.
Sometimes it simply means you learned something new about the child you love.
And isn’t that what parenting really is?
Learning who this little person is and figuring out how to help them become the best version of themselves.
Final Thoughts From MomMom
My years of raising a child with special needs have taught me that children don’t need us to be perfect.
They need us to be present.
They need patience.
They need understanding.
They need affection.
They need someone willing to listen.
And sometimes, they need someone willing to stand up and say:
“This child needs something different—and I’m not going to stop advocating until we figure out what that is.”
So if you’re raising a child with special needs, take a deep breath.
Celebrate the little victories.
Don’t expect perfection.
Listen more than you speak.
And when you have one of those really difficult days, remember that tomorrow gives you another opportunity to try again.
From one MomMom to all of you raising, loving, teaching, and advocating for these spectacular kids:
You’ve got this.
And on the days when you don’t feel like you’ve got this?
That’s okay, too.
That’s when we lean on each other.
Because sometimes raising these amazing kids takes a village—and there is absolutely no shame in needing your village.
For more real-life support, resources, and guidance, visit me at raisinggrandkids.com.
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